Okay, so it’s been like a thousand days since I posted something here… but after a bad week in our community last week, it seems that the Holy Spirit has poured out some wisdom for me to distribute. The following comes from my sermon last Sunday, and it seems to have resonated with quite a crowd of folks, so I am posting it here to refer to for others. If it helps, great, if not, then… okay.
Here’s what I said about dealing with Hazardous People.
What does Jesus do? You do what Jesus did with the Pharisees, the Hazardous people of His day.
1. Realize it’s not about you.
Realize it’s not about you. When somebody is Hazardous they’re going to try to blame it on you, they love to blame you for their pain. But it’s not about you. It’s about them. As I said, you’re as happy as you choose to be. Every time you blame somebody else for your pain you spell blame b-lame. So every time you blame somebody else for your unhappiness you’re being lame.
Romans 12:13 “If it is possible [If, not “it is” but if] as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Circle two phrases. Circle “if”. And circle “as far as it depends on you.” Those are two amazing qualifiers. I don’t know if you’ve learned this yet but it’s not always possible to live at peace. There are some people no matter what you do they’re going to still poke you in the eye. It doesn’t have anything to do with you. It has to do with their pain and their hurt.
I want you to write down three statements. This I going to be a great stress reliever for many of you. This is what God wants to say to you about the hazardous people in your life.
A. I didn’t create it.
In other words I didn’t create their hazardous behavior. Their super fearful. They’re super bitter. They’re super envious. They’re super greedy. They’re belittling or they’re nagging or nitpicking. You didn’t create that. So you don’t have to feel guilty about it. You did not create their behavior. They might want to blame you for it but you’re not responsible. It’s their choice. “I didn’t create it.”
B. I can’t control it.
You can’t control anybody else’s behavior. Whether it’s good or bad, negative or toxic or whatever. So you don’t need to worry about it. Most people when they get a toxic person in their life they feel guilty like “Maybe it’s my fault.” And they feel worried like, “I’ve got to control it.”
No. God does not expect you to control it. This is the myth of parenting. The parenting myth is “If I am the perfect parent my kids will turn out perfectly.” There’s only been one perfect parent in life – God. God created Adam and Eve. A perfect Father, He put them in a perfect environment and they still messed it up. Are you going to do better than God? If God can have kids go bad, guess what?
Some of you are carrying a lot of false guilt. If I had just done something differently! Every kid makes his choice. You are as close to God as you want to be. I’m as close to God as I want to be. If I’m not close to God, it’s my fault. If you’re not close to God, guess who moved? God didn’t.
You didn’t create their behavior and you can’t control their behavior so don’t feel guilty and don’t worry about it.
C. You won’t change their behavior.
You don’t have that ability. Don’t even try to attempt it. When you’ve got a crazy maker, when you’ve got a hazardous person in your life, it’s a waste of time to try to change them. Why? Because nobody changes until they decide to change. You can’t change anybody. You can only change yourself. People only change when the fear of change is exceeded by the pain.
When the pain gets greater than your fear of change that’s when you change. But until that happens nothing’s going to change. The amazing thing is a lot of hazardous people have an amazingly high pain tolerance. They are more afraid of changing than they are of handling the pain that they create for themselves and everybody else. And they live in a constant state of misery.
So you didn’t create it, you can’t control it, and you’re not going to change it. So realize it’s not about you.
That’s all for now… if you want more, just let me know.
May the Grace of God go with you,